I would not kid you
I was getting my new employee badge and I noticed a handout that describes the proper care of your badge.

It's hilarious. It's very weirdly specific. It sounds almost like this corporate version of Appalachian Emergency Room. All of these sound like somebody came in with their badge covered in fudge and the badge people were like, "That's IT! We have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS."

This I do not joke about, because I am not funny enough to make this up (and, yes, I have blacked out the name of my company, which is something I probably ought to go back through my archives and do, but I should also probably do a lot of things like stop drinking blood):



Now.

I could probably write about all of these for days (pound card? who gets mad and starts pounding their card?). And, frankly, I'm surprised there aren't more, like "do not put a firecracker in your badge's ass and light it."

"Do not shoot arrows at your badge."

But, wow. I mean, enough people threw their badge on a campfire where they had to create a document warning you to avoid open flame. Enough people just couldn't take it anymore and bit the living hell out of their badge and the good people downstairs realized that somebody needed to stand up and say, "No. Get that badge out of your mouth. No. NO."

And, of course, because I'm a brat, now I wanna go out and buy some ethanol and see what happens. Probably it gives you all the knowledge of the mystics and they're just trying to keep it from you, like the government with LSD.

The moon landing was faked.