King of the Oldies Frontier

This is why I fucking love the man. This is why he's one of my heroes:

Democrats who have spoken to Clinton say he is eager to get more involved, but his doctors and his wife are not sure he is strong enough to travel five weeks after he underwent quadruple bypass surgery.

One senior Democratic official who recently saw Clinton said the former president looked wan and reported that his recovery had been harder than he had expected. But Clinton told the official to begin planning a couple of events for the final days of the campaign.

Rawr! The article also details how Clinton is currently recording phone messages that will be played to voters and radio spots for the swing states. And about four different Democrats, including his wife, who all kind of say the same thing: "He really should just listen to his doctors."

I love the guy. He's like a kid. He's the coolest. Five weeks out from QUADRUPLE BYPASS SURGERY and all he wants to do is get out on the campaign trail. I imagine him running around in his hospital gown with an IV attached to it, commandeering a stretcher, stealing a toe tag, and then hi-jacking the transport to the morgue.

"Hey!! You're alive!!"
"Sorry, brother. We got to get to the rally! Move over."
"Hey--you're the President!"
"You're Goddamned right I'm the President. President for life. Now drive, honkey, or get outta my way!!"

And for some reason I picture a monkey in there, too. And then they come to a river and the bridge is out and they smash through the "Bridge Out" sign and jump the ravine and cover their faces with their arms "AAAAAAHHH!!" and the monkey pulls the cap over his eyes cuz he can't bear to look.

Oh--the monkey has a cap.

*****

I love it all. The guy won't stop bugging Kerry, either. He's calling all the time these days giving advice on everything: debates, campaigning, voter mobilization. I imagine at this point Kerry has to be groaning whenever the phone rings.

"Senator Kerry. It's for you."
"Oh, god. Who is it?"
"I don't know. They didn't say."
"It's Bill. Hang up. Just hang up. I don't want to hear it today."
"Alright, sir."



"Sir?"
"Yeah, Charlie?"
"There's a Lucy Macgillacuddy on the phone for you."
"Lucy Macgillacuddy? I don't know any Lucy Macgillucudy."
"She said she's a donor from New York."
"OK. I'll take this one.

(walks away)

"'Yello?"
"Hey, Asshole! It's Bill!! Fooled ya! Hyah!!"
"Alright, you got me Bill. I'm real busy right now..."
"Here's how you get rid of this whole 'nuisance' thing right now:"
"Bill, I'm actually on the other line with, uh...my brother. It's long distance."
"This'll only take a second. First, you gotta never ever say you wanna go back to something. We're always going forward. Remember that Powerpoint thing I sent you?"
"Bill, not now. It's been a long day and I really need..."
"Hey, where are you? Maybe I can come over and we can talk all night about strategy and whatever."
"Bill, I actually really have to poop. I have to go."

(pause)

"Oh...oh, in that case you go ahead. I don't want you distracted while I'm talking to ya. Pinch one out and call me right back, OK?"
"Ok, Bill. I will."
"But you don't have the number. Hold on--it's 917-"
"I'll--I've got it written down somewhere-"
"Wait, no that's Sean Penn's number. Hold on. I never have to call myself. Ha! Hold on--"
"Bill, I'll find you somehow, OK?"
"Lemme just check real quick--"
"Goodbye, Bill. Get some sleep."
"Hey, Church Lady's on! That guy kills me every time."
"Goodnight Bill."
"Go after his jobs record!"
"I know, Bill. I--we're going through a tunnel. Schkkkskhckk chskkkkkshss."
"Hullo? John-Boy? Hullo? Guess he hung up." >click<

"Do you want me to burn this phone, sir?"
"What's the use?"

"Uh...do you really have to poop, sir? Because I had the agents secure the lavatory."
(Kerry looks at Agent Charlie incredulously, snatches a newspaper out of Charlie's hand, rolls it up, and hits him over the head with it.)
"Get in the car, nimrod."

Scene